Baby Poop Story
My Baby Poo Story
I have been trying to find time to write you this story for a while now, but have had not any. So, finally, here goes, even though I still don't have the time. Parenting is hard.
About three weeks ago I was staying home with Amelia after Amanda started back to work since we had not gotten into daycare yet. (We have gotten in now and they're wonderful and Amelia seems happy with them.) The first few days were fine except for the fact that I had to teach Amelia that immediate gratification is not a constant in life. Up to that point, if she was hungry Amanda would just pull out a boob and Amelia could eat until her heart's content and then fall asleep. Well, while Dad has boobs, they don't serve much function apart from growing lots of neat hair.
So the first day she wakes up hungry and does her little hungry cry. As I am not producing milk personally, I had to pick her out of her crib, take her to the kitchen, take a bottle out of the fridge, heat up a glass of water, put the bottle in the water and let it warm, re-heat the water, put the bottle back in and, finally, voila, we had a bottle. The problem with all this is it takes time. Amelia does not understand time or the physics of thermodynamics and heat transfer, so she just kept getting madder and madder as I waited for the bottle to get warm. She screamed and screamed and just made me feel like an ass. Then the second half of the issue is that she is used to being able to eat as much as she wants. So, while the bottle satiated her, she was starving two hours later and the whole process started over again.
Well, she and I had adjusted to each other by Thursday and things were going well. She was full and happy and playing on the floor. I looked at her leg and noticed some baby poo coming out around her diaper. This is not unusual. If you have not been around many babies you should know -- because I didn't -- that diapers are only a general area in which poo can go, but hardly a catch-all. Depending on the angle of the baby at the time of the poo, as well as the quantity and force of the poo, it can go lots of places.
So, noticing the bit of poo emerging from the diaper, I picked up little Amelia from the floor where she was happily playing and took her in to change her. As I began removing layers of clothing (overalls and onesie) in an effort to get to the offending diaper, it came to my attention that we were dealing with an über-poo: one that shoots out of the diaper and up the baby. Now, typically the poo flow goes either up the back or, more rarely, up the front. But this one had coated the entire baby from chin to thighs, front and back -- and had an overwhelming smell of malt vinegar.
Now by this time I had been through many diaper changes, but this was above and beyond my experience. The smell and sight of the gooey mess defeated my defenses and I began to retch. Next thing I knew I had a mouth full of regurgitated cold pizza and coffee (standard Dad breakfast) and was racing to the can to expel said mixture; but I came up short and hurled all over the hall. Meanwhile, little Amelia is laying on her changing table naked and covered in poo, so I run back to take care of her. I wipe her up as best I can with wet wipes. While I'm doing that, Milo notices the big smorgasbord lying in the hall. I run and chase him out of it and clean up as much as I quickly can. Then I go back to Amelia and get her little bathtub ready and plop her in it.
With her secure and soaking, I grab some wet paper towel and go back to my mess, which the dog has rediscovered and is happily licking up. I chase him away, give the floor another once over, and go back to Amelia. I clean her up and put her on her changing table to dry. As she is lying there I wipe down the walls, spot mop the floor, and then go back and get her dressed. All of this took place in about twenty minutes.
All is well in fatherhood land. Amelia is going in to work with me tomorrow since we have no daycare on Sunday and Amanda is working at the hospital, which is taking in patients from the now-underwater New Orleans area. We have determined that the overalls Amelia wore that day are obviously cursed, because she has had three other über-poos while wearing them, one of which was on her first day at daycare. Hope you enjoyed my baby poo story and I hope all is well in Japan.
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Baby Poop Story