Tracking The Diarrhea Bandit
Westfield State College is a liberal arts college in Western Massachusetts. It's a small campus community, which allows anyone who attends it to become acquainted with nearly every other student majoring in the same field. When your major is Computer Science, this is especially true. Less than thirty students can honestly say they have chosen this field at our school. As a result, most upperclassmen in our major have spent at least the last three years getting to know their fellow geeks. There is a natural fellowship that exists between all computer students at Westfield State.
It's this relationship that formed the beginning of the greatest story ever told: that of The Diarrhea Bandit.
During the spring semester of the 2006 school year, nearly every computer student was enrolled in a software engineering class. The class met at night and was nearly three hours long. The room was overcrowded with students, and the classes were usually boring and hard to follow. These factors combined to create a bunch of rowdy geeks. There were usually pranks played on each other during the class, and lots of animal noises. The teacher did not seem to mind the chaos -- which ended up acting as a challenge, daring students to try their best to push the limits of the teacher's patience.
During each class, at around eight o'clock, we would be given a chance to take a ten-minute break. One week we went into the bathroom to find a puddle of wet brown feces all over the handicap bathroom stall. We shared a laugh and didn't think of it again -- until the next week, when it happened again. The next week we had spring break and pretty much forgot about the phenomenon. But upon returning the following week, we noticed it had happened yet again.
One student named John got a friend to photograph the mess so he could post it on his Facebook account. He did, it got some laughs, and again we moved on to new sources of debauchery.
Fast forward one week later. Break time rolls around -- and, for the fourth time, we are greeted by yet another sloppy brown disaster in the handicap stall. We didn't know what we were facing. Just like before, another picture was taken and posted on John's Facebook.
These weekly incidents continued to pile up, and more pictures were taken. It wasn't long before the mystery man was christened The Diarrhea Bandit.
The entire department was abuzz with rumors of who the bandit was, where he came from, what was wrong with him, and why he didn't do a better job of getting his diarrhea into the bowl. John, the very person who posted the original pictures, was soon being accused of being the bandit himself. Already possessing a reputation for pranks -- such as pouring a barrel of pretzels in an elevator and smashing them, or putting nine volt batteries on his tongue, or drawing penises on people's notebooks -- it was easy to suspect John as someone who would pull this kind of stunt.
Outraged, John sought out two of his friends who were familiar with web design. It was time to clear his name.
John met up with classmates Jake and Joe in an apartment and mapped out the strategy to bring the bandit to justice. Evidence was piling up constantly. The once-weekly problem was beginning to happen on a daily basis. Pictures of the bandit's work were becoming available at a consistent rate. The time was right to take the next step in the hunt for the bandit and to clear John's name.
Joe and Jake, dedicated to bringing the bandit to justice, took daily bathroom patrols, bringing back pictures and videos for the website. Over time, the website sprung up and promotion began. Word spread across campus; and before we knew it, the entire campus was buzzing with word of The Diarrhea Bandit.
It wasn't long before one of Joe's friends provided the best lead of our investigation. Apparently he was in a class in which the students were required to give a presentation that included a visual aid associated with the topic of the presentation. This one person, whose identity must remain anonymous for legal reasons, gave a presentation on his stomach problems. He went on about how when he has a bowel movement he experiences so much pain that he's forced to double over. This usually results in him shooting his ass towards the sky and shitting all over everything in sight. To cap off the hilarity of this report, his visual aid was toilet paper!
Why anyone would feel comfortable saying this in front of a classroom is well beyond me.
But then again, feeling comfortable enough to shit on the walls is also beyond me.
It was never completely proven weather or not this was the actual Diarrhea Bandit. Rumors have sprung up claiming he was everyone from the resident college priest to members of the faculty and staff. We may never know the identity of the bandit, but at least we have the website dedicated to his legacy.
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