This Story Brought To You By Greek Food
I think I may just give up eating all together.
I had an amazing lunch yesterday: hummus, kalamata olives, pepperoncinis, and feta as an appetizer, and a fried eggplant Parmesan sub and fries as an entree. Everything was absolutely amazing! After lunch, I ran a few errands, did some shopping, went home, took a shower, and got ready for the evening. I was out by 9:00 and having some pints with friends when it hit me. This was going to be a bad one. It would seem the acidic properties of the pepperoncinis and the kalamata olives were warring with the fried eggplant on a nuclear level. The sheer agony of the first wave of nausea had taken its toll; and although my outward appearance was not telling of my horrible internal struggle trying to contain the powerful greenhouse gasses that had formed, my eyes must have spoke the stories of a thousand deaths.
Friend: "Are you feeling all right?"
Me: "I'm fine. Why do you ask? Do I not look like I'm having a good time?"
Brain: Holy mother of Christ!!
Friend: "No, you just look worried."
Brain: Get your ass moving, bitch!
Me: "Um... I just remembered I left the stove on. I'll be back in a bit."
Friend: "Why don't you just call your roommate and have him turn it off?"
Brain: We're not going to make it...!
Me: "HIS GODDAMN PHONE IS CUT OFF!"
Friend: "OK... good lord!"
Brain: Pay your tab and get the hell home -- QUICK.
As I approached the bar, I saw to my utter horror a sight that you never want to see when trying to pay a tab in a reasonable amount of time: A 21st birthday party crowd.
Brain: Shit!
I tried in vain to catch the bartender's eye. I pushed my way through the sea of humanity to the front of the bar and desperately flashed a fistful of cash. One, two, three bartenders walked by me without even the slightest glance. A second wave washed over me. I winced and almost lost my footing as my knees buckled from the strain.
I grabbed a server from the service bar by the shoulders. She was frozen by the look of pain and suffering apparent on my haggard face.
Me: "For the love of all that is holy, take this money and please pay my tab -- the name is Dan."
Server: "But I..." I have no idea what she said -- I turned around and ran so fast that the sound from her voice was left far behind.
I hit the auto-start function on my car while I was still a hundred yards from it. The lights blinked twice, letting me know it was successful. I flung the door open so fast that I damn near ripped it off the hinges.
The great feature about the auto-start is that no one can steal your running car -- as soon as you depress the brake, the car will cut off if the key is not in the ignition. I forgot all of that in my haste, and as the car cut off, I seriously considered dealing with the consequences that would come from releasing the torrent that was slowly eating me from the inside out.
But then a strength from deep down inside me urged me to do the right thing and get to a suitable location before letting this demon out. It was a powerful voice that I have never heard before. I can only imagine it was a deity, one whose love for upholstery is unfathomable.
With shaking fingers and vision blurred from the sweat dripping into my eyes, I struggled for what seemed like a lifetime to insert the key in the ignition. I left the parking lot at eighty-five MPH and drift-turned around the bend, aiming for my apartment. 15th, 16th, 17th Street... dammit, hurry! I parked in the front of the building in the loading zone with my hazard lights blinking. I ran right for the first set of elevators like I was being chased by a marauding band of Vikings. When I finally reached the lift, I pushed the button for "up" no less than 398,572,049,526 times in the space of fifteen seconds until the elevator finally settled. The doors swung open and the old couple who were exiting might as well not have been there -- one look at my tortured visage had sent them cowering into the corner. Fourth floor, I had made it! I was going to be okay.
The lights were a blur as I rushed down the hall to my front door. The handle stuck into the wall as I threw the door open in my haste; it didn't matter if it stayed that way. I finally made it to the bathroom and took off all my clothes, as they were soaking wet with perspiration.
I let out a mighty war cry heard throughout the building, invoking the power of all the gods of Asgard to aid me in battle against this reckoning force that would surely claim my life.
First, the heat from the wind vaporized the hair from my ass and added velocity to the solid pieces. Then all was quiet -- an eerie quiet, like the eye of a hurricane, as an object I can only describe as "death's gaping maw in solid form" was birthed through my exit hole. I had a brief moment of doubt, and as it started creeping back up I cursed myself for leaving the Vaseline next to the bed.
But then, again I heard the voice, and I knew I had the strength to go on.
Reversing direction once more, this "thing" let out a roar -- although that might have been the sound of more escaping gas whistling on the border of my horribly disfigured stink star. Either way, it knew it would finally be bested. I leaned back and pushed with all the might of the Lord as it gained more and more speed on the way out. Seeing the end in sight, it pulled its last card and shot spikes out all sides of its impressive girth, cutting me to shreds from the inside.
When it finally broke free I shot into the air like a water-powered rocket, only to land hard on the back of the bowl, breaking the tank and spilling water in between my legs. I gratefully let the water run down my back and into my crack until I saw a thick cloud of steam shoot up from between my legs. Apparently the friction had been so great the resultant heat was enough to flash-boil the water now hanging in the air.
With the beast out of me, I spread my legs to survey the damage. The flotsam and jetsam that I saw frightened me, but the smell -- oh, God, the smell -- the smell caused me to grab the trashcan and empty the remaining contents of my gut. It smelled like a wet sheep getting fucked by a garbage can.
The cleanup was far more painful then the entire burning process, requiring fresh water and sheets. The damage was permanent to the toilet, but worth the experience gained. Some lessons in life are only achieved through experience, and those are the lessons you never forget. Please be careful of the foods you mix. Take care of yourselves, and each other.
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