What The Baby Ate
I work in a large retail store. Needless to say, a lot of the times the bathrooms are less than pleasant. Unattended children wiping their poopy hands on the stall walls, looking at you under the stall... I could go on forever.
Every day after lunch I get a turbulence in my bowels that cannot be ignored. So I head off to the bathroom for relief. One day as I'm entering I notice a lady changing her baby at the changing station. I enter the stall and proceed to back the big brown Caddy out of the garage. I just happened to go into the stall directly across from the changing station. A shit and a show. Cool.
As I'm sitting there watching this lady change her baby's shitty diaper through the crack (you know, the one through which little kids look at you when they're not crawling under the door), I can tell something's not quite right. The lady is wiping her kid's ass when she gets this puzzled look on her face. She leans in for a closer look and I hear her mumble to herself, "What the hell is that?"
She goes to retrieve whatever it is and then she screams, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? IT'S BLUE! OH MY GOD IT'S A PIECE OF BALLOON!"
She now has the entire bathroom's attention, and every one except me has crowded around this lady and her balloon-shitting kid. At first I was concerned, as were all the other adults, but only for a second -- because what happened next was one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.
As this lady is freaking out, onlookers are giving her advice. "Don't touch it, call 911!" "Get to a emergency room!" On and on. She's not listening. She's hysterical, yelling, "I gotta get it out, I gotta get it out!"
Some folks finally move a little so I can see everything. The kid is oblivious, lying there, looking around at all the folks looking at him. Mom is pulling with thumb and forefinger at the piece of balloon hanging out of her kid's butt. She's pulling and suddenly, with an audible *plap*, out comes the piece of balloon, along with a good amount of poo.
Anyone who was within two feet of this kid just got a good spray of baby poo.
People are reeling and screaming, running for the sinks. The Mom couldn't leave her kid there alone, so just had to deal with being covered in her kid's shit spray while she cleaned him up. She looked like she had lost a fight with a brown can of spray paint.
No one said a thing. Everyone just washed up and left, leaving me in the stall sniggering my ass off. I had to get back to work, so I took off my nametag, finished up, and walked out of the stall biting my lip.
The wall that the changing station is attached to was also covered in a light shit spray. As walked out of the bathroom, I tell a front end manager, "Get some gloves -- you're gonna need 'em!"
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